big contemplations
Oct. 2nd, 2024 09:57 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
disc_scratchusing my personal journal to just think thoughts, yay ! dont mind this too much. im just being,
This was the first proper year I've technically had a full "job", even if it is not completely professional and from home, im scared being an at home carer will end up making me unemployable later down the line as I continue to not get work experience, but that's less important to me as getting off of the government's unemployment payments because those royally fucked me uppp. sometimes I wake up and still feel like im gonna get in trouble for simply, being a depressed person in poverty. But ! I'm healing. I'm saving money and I finally feel like I can clean and work vaguely towards stuff I can do for a couple years. I gotta get back to cleaning. I'm really happy to be in this position I honestly didn't think I had that many years left in me without something changing and , everything is !!
With all of my going out and stuff I've noticed I tend to have less actual, thoughts? I can uncomfortably respond when people talk to me and I can work from instinct, but after being outside for a bit i dont tend to have words in my head or a train of thought. I think i have thoughts? but i can't comprehend them either. It makes it hard to write messages or posts or anything but i can still draw and clean when I get back so I don't think it's necessarily a bad trade off. I will just be online on my break days; which is probably healthier. I want to go back to volunteering at my op shop, but im waiting for my 500 doctor appointments to end.
Yesterday my school had a fire drill in the middle of class and i had to walk down 10+ floors worth of stairs :< but i got to talk to a lot of people i wouldn't have otherwise C: so wild ! It's really cool to just be in a place where I can see what a bunch of people are up to. I'm starting to feel like im on the aplatonic spectrum? I've always felt like a, queer in a room full of queers. (not in a contest way, but in an out of place way) so getting a chance to basically experiment with that outside of just people ive already built a fondness for is really kind of helping me experiment in that regard. I don't think I'm completely aplatonic, I have fun with companionship and the people around me and that, but I certainly feel a disconnection from it, too. I feel like a vessel i use to experience other people. So I wanna say im aegoplatonic, but am open to just sorta thinking abt things. Either way I wanna continue living in a way where I can help other people even a little bit, y'know?
It's hard to really go through my identity stuff because with my unstable personality + proneness to delusions i tend to make up a bunch of stuff about, myself? this certainly feels grounded in reality though just because of how consistently long I've experienced this stuff. My entire life I've always called myself "aroace on a technicality" purely because while in description theyre correct ive never felt exactly right with those terms (and ive never properly found out why!) and im still not really sure what to do about that (I shorthandedly have been identifying as ficto but i only really lean into that aspect of myself when im really paranoid. so while it is important and true to me i don't like to parade as such purely because of how jumpy i am when i swing back around to it GHG)
Not too sure what else to say. I gotta get up at 6am tomorrowww. blasts you with concepts of red son being socially awkward
This was the first proper year I've technically had a full "job", even if it is not completely professional and from home, im scared being an at home carer will end up making me unemployable later down the line as I continue to not get work experience, but that's less important to me as getting off of the government's unemployment payments because those royally fucked me uppp. sometimes I wake up and still feel like im gonna get in trouble for simply, being a depressed person in poverty. But ! I'm healing. I'm saving money and I finally feel like I can clean and work vaguely towards stuff I can do for a couple years. I gotta get back to cleaning. I'm really happy to be in this position I honestly didn't think I had that many years left in me without something changing and , everything is !!
With all of my going out and stuff I've noticed I tend to have less actual, thoughts? I can uncomfortably respond when people talk to me and I can work from instinct, but after being outside for a bit i dont tend to have words in my head or a train of thought. I think i have thoughts? but i can't comprehend them either. It makes it hard to write messages or posts or anything but i can still draw and clean when I get back so I don't think it's necessarily a bad trade off. I will just be online on my break days; which is probably healthier. I want to go back to volunteering at my op shop, but im waiting for my 500 doctor appointments to end.
Yesterday my school had a fire drill in the middle of class and i had to walk down 10+ floors worth of stairs :< but i got to talk to a lot of people i wouldn't have otherwise C: so wild ! It's really cool to just be in a place where I can see what a bunch of people are up to. I'm starting to feel like im on the aplatonic spectrum? I've always felt like a, queer in a room full of queers. (not in a contest way, but in an out of place way) so getting a chance to basically experiment with that outside of just people ive already built a fondness for is really kind of helping me experiment in that regard. I don't think I'm completely aplatonic, I have fun with companionship and the people around me and that, but I certainly feel a disconnection from it, too. I feel like a vessel i use to experience other people. So I wanna say im aegoplatonic, but am open to just sorta thinking abt things. Either way I wanna continue living in a way where I can help other people even a little bit, y'know?
It's hard to really go through my identity stuff because with my unstable personality + proneness to delusions i tend to make up a bunch of stuff about, myself? this certainly feels grounded in reality though just because of how consistently long I've experienced this stuff. My entire life I've always called myself "aroace on a technicality" purely because while in description theyre correct ive never felt exactly right with those terms (and ive never properly found out why!) and im still not really sure what to do about that (I shorthandedly have been identifying as ficto but i only really lean into that aspect of myself when im really paranoid. so while it is important and true to me i don't like to parade as such purely because of how jumpy i am when i swing back around to it GHG)
Not too sure what else to say. I gotta get up at 6am tomorrowww. blasts you with concepts of red son being socially awkward
